While visiting the chiropractor he recommended a great book entitled, “The Values Factor” by Dr. John DeMartini.
The chiropractor said that this is one of the best books he has read in a long time that really covered and discussed how one actually goes about finding and discovering the true purpose of his or her life. In other words, the book helps you to find what really matters most to you, what do you really value most in your life.
It’s not one of those “Shelf Help” books (pun on the phrase ”self help”) where after you read the book it goes on the shelf to never be seen or heard of again.
This is a book that really gets you to act and actually learn, remember and best of all put into practice what you read.
Of course, if you are reading this post then you are in for a treat, as there will be a brief summary covering the major points worth noting, rather than having to spend time reading all 391 pages.
This post will share with you the finer points of what has been learned up to this point.
What Is The Values Factor
The Values Factor, is your highest values that you do on a regular basis and that you often do without even knowing it. They are usually what you do and less about what you say you are going to do.
For example, last Saturday night the Champions League game was being played. I live in Madrid and the two teams playing were both from Madrid (Atletico Madrid and Real Madrid). I am not the biggest soccer fan, basketball is more of my thing, but my son is a huge fan, or so he claims. As the game was being played in the final 30 minutes, my son was on his tablet playing video games.
Now I realize, children tend to be somewhat great at multi-tasking but he was not even paying attention at all. Here we have a self-proclaimed Real Madrid, soccer fan, yet his actions (his values) say an entirely different thing. After identifying his values a day or two later, my suspicions were confirmed. He values playing and having fun. That is his real value. Of course, your values can change and most often will.
How To Use The Values Factor
Once you discover or more so uncover your highest values, it is up to you as to whether or not you live by them or by the values of others. We can sometimes succumb to the pressures of our peer groups, family, work, and society in general. And many of what we believe to be our so called values are really not our own. We have adopted them from society and the idealism of what and who we think we should be.
Case in point, when in the year 1999 I had the incredible opportunity to have the so-called dream job, earning a great salary, working for the largest software company on the planet. I bought the very best German engineered car over the telephone and took order of the car in 40 minutes, having a taxi drop me off and leave me at the car dealership with no other way to get back, other than taking ownership of the car I had just ordered. (talk about burning the ships….) I had bought a brand new condo in the beautiful swanky town of Greenlake ordering custom furniture and have my own interior designer help me to fill it with the best furniture from Pottery Barn and Z Gallerie. I bought the latest and greatest clothes and shoes. I was going out on the town having extravagant dinners with friends costing upwards of $2-300.
I had so-called “arrived” and yet with all the medals and badges of modern-day success why was I waking up every night at 3 AM on the dot with an empty feeling of dread and terror in my stomach?
Because I had lost my soul. I had effectively sold out.
I was like that soul less character from the movie Fight Club.
I was not living by my highest values.
I quickly sold the condo and all the furniture. I got rid of the clothes. The left over stuff I trashed in a nearby dumpster. I got in my car and headed back to San Diego.
I was on my quest to find, uncover and live by my highest values.
I vowed never again to live by another person’s values and if I were to fail at living by my own values than so be it.
You have the choice, either to live by your own highest values or be run and controlled by the values of others.
How Values Come From Voids
Oftentimes we think that our greatest motivation comes from moving and inspiring events, however that might not always be the case. Many of the greatest people we tend to admire have come out of their lack or missing what they so desired. What is lacking or missing in your life is also known as a void. There are tons of stories of awe-inspiring rejection turned into magnificence.
Greater voids and challenges tend to produce both greater values and greater drives to achieve.
Here are a few examples:
J K Rowling was sacked as a secretary because she was a day dreamer. She was then rejected by 12 publishers after writing Harry potter. Her manuscript was later accepted by Chairman of Bloomsbury. Her novel “Harry Porter” would later make her a billionaire.
Steven Spielberg the famous and acclaimed writer and director, was turned down three times by the University of Southern California School of Theater, Film and Television.
Elvis Presley earlier in his life did not perform to expectation. in fact he was told by the Grand Ole Opry manager, Jimmy Denny, “You ain’t goin’ nowhere, son. You ought to go back to driving’ a truck.”
Michael Jordan, considered one of the very best basketball players that ever played the game, was cut from his high school basketball team for a “lack of skill.”. a young Michael Jordan went home and cried in the privacy of his bedroom. This did not stop him from playing the game
Walt Disney was fired by a newspaper editor because he lacked imagination and had no good ideas. After being bankrupt four times, Walt Disney would later build the Disney empire and would be regarded as a cultural icon known for his influence and contributions to entertainment during the 20th century.
As DeMartini states in his book, “Your greatest voids determine your greatest values, and people who have experienced the very greatest voids are often those who achieve the most inspiring accomplishments.”
Many of our values come from our voids, and being aware that out of benefits there also exists drawbacks and likewise, that out of the worst drawback there too are great and positive benefits.
This was a game changer for me. After reading this, I realized that there are always two sides to everything and appreciating both sides in a non-judging manner can go a long way toward mental, emotional, spiritual and physical well-being.
Identifying Your Values
This was the best part of the book. Finding out what are your values. There is an exercise in the book where you are asked to list three answers per questions. There are 13 questions, and as simple as these questions may appear, it is definitely worth doing each. Please note it is imperative that you answer at least three separate answers to each of the questions.
Step 1. The 13 Questions That Reveal Your Highest Values:
- How do you fill your personal or professional space?
- How do you spend your time?
- How do you spend your energy?
- How do you spend your money?
- Where are you most organized?
- Where are you most reliable?
- What dominates your thoughts?
- What do you visualize most?
- What do you most often talk to yourself about?
- What do you most often talk to others about?
- What inspires you?
- What goals stand out in your life and have stood the test of time?
- What topics do you love to study, read about, or research?
Step 2. Identify the answers that repeat most often. You will have 39 answers and now you need to go through and see which answers repeat, I just put a mark, and count them up. This is super fun and you may or may not be surprised by your what you find out.
Step 3. Summarize and Prioritize Your Values. Just create a list of the answers that repeat most often by listing the top 5. These are your highest values.
Rest assured that my family and I did this and my #1 highest value is Health, #2 Exercise although that could be health as well, #3 was work, I have an SEO business and its super fun.
My wife, her top three were: #1 Family #2 Love which could be family #3 Organization/Appearances/Clean
My son, his top three were #1 Playing #2 Eating #3 Fun/Love
So give it a go and find out what your top three highest values are.
How Can I Get Paid Well For What I Love To Do?
Step 1. Write ten things that you absolutely love to do. It does not matter what they are. It could be working out or cooking. There is no wrong answer. Just start with, I love to…. and list out at least 10 things.
Step 2. How can I get paid well to do it? Take your list and write out each item and then next to that write at least 3 ways you can imagine someone actually paying you to do what you wrote in step 1. For example, if you love playing with your pet you might start a dog walking service.
Step 3. Prioritize the top 5 items from step 1 that most inspire you and order them from most inspiring to least. Just rate the 10 items on a scale from 0 to 10, 0 is bad and 10 is inspirational and put a number by each. Take your top 5 and order them by importance.
Step 4. What are your seven highest priority action steps? Take the #1 from step 3 and write the 7 highest action steps you can take to move you in the direction of actually achieving it.
That’s all there is to it.
The Three Types Of Relationships
There are many other sections left in this book and many prior to this part I am going to share with you. But I felt that these really encompassed the meat and potatoes of his book thus far. Plus I did not want to plagiarize his work nor take away from the effort of the author.
This last thing I wanted to share was a real gem and for all of you in an intimate relationship you will really appreciate this. Although this can be applied to all types of relationships.
According to DeMartini, there are three types of relationships: careless, careful and caring.
“A careless relationship is one in which you prject your own highest values onto the other person, judging them by your own highest values and not considering or honoring their highest values.”
“A careful relationship is when you think in terms of your partner’s highest values without considering your own. In this case, you are overly concerned that the other person’s highest values be supported, even as you minimize or disregard your own highest values.”
“A caring relationship, is one in which you communicate your highest values in terms of the other person’s. In a caring relationship, both people are actively engaged, with themselves and with each other.”
These three definitions brilliantly summarize the overall health of just about any relationship. The question now is where are you with regards to these three types of relationships.
If you did the exercise to find out your highest values, then you can also try to find out the highest values of those around you and then see how well you line up.
Knowing the highest values of both yourself and those around you can make a huge difference in the type of quality relationship you can share.
By the way, if you got this far, I accidentally ordered a second copy of the book, The Values Factor.
So if you did the exercise of answering the 13 questions and have three answers per questions, please send them to me at bronsontang at gmail dot com and the first person to do so will receive the extra copy of the book. Just email me your answers and your address and if you are the first person to do so, I will mail you the copy of the book.